Almost March 23rd,
And then 24, 25, and Mercury goes direct. Thank God for small favors.

Keith brought me a ton of c.d.s of music he copied off my old computer, and between that and what I have, I've created an 'I'll Make It' songlist. This situation is not going to get me. In the mornings, I'll listen to this and bolster myself.

Lady Willpower is playing now. I think Steve associated this song with me. Well, I'm associating it with whatever my future is handing me.

I wrote Susie Kemman tonight to tell her that I received her thank you note and I told her a story about Deb. In the telling, I fell in love with Deb all over again. I am afraid that I was so edgy at Christmas, I mistreated her. I hope it didn't show, but I imagine it did.

If I Didn't Know Better, I Would.

March 21, 2006

It's spring! That's what the calendar says, but my clock is way off.

Today Jay did something as benign as go down to the laundry room and switch our clothes from a washer to a dryer. And he came back to tell me that, the building we've just moved into is being sold, the maintenence woman is distraught. She doesn't know if it's going condo or not...but in Chicago, these days? It doesn't matter.

Even my personal 'Man 'O God', John the priest, looked at me as if to say, how can so much shit happen to two people? No help there. I just laughed when Jay told me, which scared him. He's afraid I'm going to break apart at any moment. If I didn't know better, I would. But I do.

In my sad moments I wonder where my life has gone, but that has happened to so many people. What I do worry about, is why I"m having so much trouble finding work. I never did before. But, I was younger then. Is that it?

Forty nine is not old, but I guess the world doesn't know that yet. They will soon, when the Boomers are living longer and expecting things....but I don't think I have that inclination. What I want, is a cabin in the woods. It doesn't have to be big, or impressive. It has to have a fireplace, a spot for a dog and us....and a view of the water.

I wish I could talk to Momie, my grandmother, because maybe she could explain this overwhelming need I have for nature. She's the only one I remember who loved it with a vengence even though she lived in town. She grew roses, and fed Cardinals and had Peony's in the spring. I never knew that her loves would become mine. Now I watch to see if 'Big Red', the male cardinal, brings his mate to eat at my feeder. And I remember Momie almost every time.

Today John needed me to take him to anti-cruelty to have his new cat checked out. I went out for a cigarette and walked past the huge windows that show all the adult dogs that need homes. I'll grant you, it wasn't a smart move for a woman who's heart had been broken 448 hours prior...but there was this dog. Caseys size, beautiful face and absolutely heartbroken.

The thing about putting a dog/best friend down is the feeling that you've betrayed them. Even though they are in discomfort...leading to extreme pain, it seems a betrayal. The dictionary describes betrayal this way: To deliver into the hands of an enemy in violation of a trust or allegiance- and thats just what is it and just what you had to do.

It's not really; I see that, but it doesn't change how close the feeling comes to being true. We delivered him into the clutches of cancer and violated his trust and belief in us.

I know that what we really did was the opposite. We delivered him into some kind of peace, which proved our allegiance to him- but it doesn't change the fact that it feels thoroughly wrong.

Today was a better day. Yesterday he was dragging...I think that long walk in the park and then walking to the vet and back did him in. But today was better. We had a moment when he ran and then limped-and my heart fell as my stomach rose, but we endured. I try to ask myself when something frightening happens, if it is something I would have noticed it I didn't know he was sick. If it's not, I'm just being paranoid. Somehow that helps me stay on track.

Other things are happening in my life. Jay is SHINING at Le Cordon Bleu (from now on know as CHIC) (stupid name). I think he's found more than his niche, and it's so cool to watch him do it, and to see his enthusiasm. Tomorrow he is cooking dinner for us, and he's just doing potatos at school at the moment. But what potatos they are!

John is getting his income tax refund soon. This should be interesting to watch. I'd bet it's gone in no time, but maybe he will prevail.

Keith is maddened by things on the farm. It sounds pretty terrible. Goats dying as fast as they're born and cat shit all over the house. Anita's couch will look good by the time he lies down on it.

Dog is dying.

That's what I have for today, and today the emotional wall came down and kept me sane. And calm.

We started the day with a l-o-n-g walk through Lincoln park. We went to the water, greeted many trees, rolled, ran, touched the Indian statue for luck~he was just a dog. It was wonderful to watch his joy with his world as he knows it. Later, we went to the vet to have the stitches taken out, and Dr. Wallis must have been primed because he came in immediately and did amazing work. I don't know how someone who looks 16 can be so 'present', both emotionally and professionally with a dying dog, but he does it without thought. I think he must have a passion that is remarkable.

So the decisions have been made. As Dr. Wallis instucted, we should spoil Casey rotten, which we already were. There is no clear diagnosis~ lack of eating (not happening yet), listlessness (after exercise). We didn't come away with a good time frame, but with chemo it will be four months. Without?

What I'm drawn to is this narrowing of focus I have on Casey and how he responds to it. He began to really 'hear' me after he got sick, and for the most part follows me and my voice where he didn't before. Is that because he 'knows'? Dogs are amazing creatures and he's going through some uncomfortable things. I don't sleep because his lack of it wakes me up. I think he must know that things aren't rigtht.

Many people don't think animals are worth the time it takes to think about them. This dog teaches me every day. I hope I can get him through ~just get him through.

Feb 9, 2006
How things change. Jay has enrolled at Le Cordon Bleu...gotten all of the financial aid...toted home all the goodies...2000.00 of knives, chef clothes and the like. John was a child himself, on the floor, going through all the stuff. Jay went to a career counselor (by all accounts, a good one) before all of this happened, and it looks like graphic design is a thing of the past.

He (we) have decided to sell the Jeep, pay off debt, be brand new. Would have worked but when I followed him to CarMax today he hadn't brought the title. Of course not. This is a never ending personality trait of his, and this time, I'm going to remember. He came home to look for it, and scared the dog and more than startled me- screaming SHITTTTTT!

Speaking of Casey...we took him to the vet on friday and he had surgery to take of the growth on his side. 550.00 later I almost screamed when I was the incision they created to take it all. Eight or nine inches. And meds. And more meds. I cook him rice to settle his stomach. We should hear from Dr. Wallis soon, about what the growth is. Of course, cancer, or the posibility of it, looms large.

I had a mini interview yesterday with the manager of TJMax. I think I might call him tomorrow, as I would like the job. No, wrong. I would not like the job. I would like to have it. Gazelle like intensity.

As for John, Jay is worried. I don't know how I should feel. Jay is worried that he's not working to create a life here... and will end up homeless, if nothing worse. I have to say, I probably agree. If my memory serves, after Feb...he has only 2 months before his money ends. Thats about 75 days and I don't see him doing much about it.

Now I have no room to judge, but city living is not kind and spending your day tidying and reading on the couch isn't condusive to staying in one. I've been trying to give encouragement and suggestions. Gone so far as to tell him that his inability to work on more than one emotional thing at a time won't work here. Then again, he's secretive about some things and maybe he will arrive one day and tell us he's gotten some kind of a job.

What we are all doing these days is watching American Idol. John is now hooked, and who knew? Plus, I've begun doing jigsaw puzzles, of all things, to get off this damned computer. What we all need is a life.